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Thoughts In Flight

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A little over two months back I was on the plane coming back home to Vancouver. It was a restless 14hr flight, as there was so much running through my mind. I was not settled in thought. And so being me, I wrote it out:

Sometime in February…
There are nights when you just don’t want to sleep.. tonight is one. Thinking back on the year that has passed, I wonder how it will take me into the new year. My mind and goals have shifted. Somethings are falling in place in quick pace and others are put on hold. This seems to be how life takes course. It’s just whether or not we are comfortable with it. There are still many decisions I’ve yet to make that will continue to make major changes in my life. But for some reason I still feel like I should continue as I have in the past year… act, react based on feelings. We’ll see I guess, when the time comes.

It’s the simple things that makes me smile, makes me happy. It’s the gestures, how one acts around me, the kindness and appreciation that sparks that feeling in me.

Life continues to throw unexpected things at me, as if to test me. I’m learning how I am. I can see it now. With everything last year, I see that I have taken on a very selfish role in trying to find my own happiness. I became comfortable with that.. now it’s difficult to adjust. Constantly seeking for higher experiences has set me on this path where I’m no longer easily satisfied with life. I want and yearn for more. It’s when you open yourself to more doors that you realize.. there is even more behind another.. and I become greedy, wanting to open every door before me just to see what it has in store for me. I’m curious, stubborn and can’t settle. The risks seem minuscule to me, while the experience gives me some sort of high. You know thrill seekers? I think I’m a life experience seeker. Oh dear.

Just about to land…

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If You’ll Let Me…

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*song Conor Maynard ft. Felicity Abbott | Take Care Cover

Some things are so coincidental. There is a reason why I’m a fan of many Drake songs. Last year, songs like Alicia Keys ft. Drake - Unthinkable, Drake – Fireworks, Drake – Shut it Down, Nicki Minaj. ft. Drake – Moment for Life were part of my year’s soundtrack. Today thoughts were running through my mind, and right then this song started playing. I started searching youtube for covers, trying to find one that would be a better sound for the feeling I was having. But with searching, no one really did justice of the song, particularly with Rihanna’s lines.

When I got home, I felt the need to write a blog post. Now, if you read my blog you may notice that I tend to link a song to each post. Sometimes the song is just one that I have stuck in my head, but more than often, the song actually plays a pretty big part. I carefully pick my songs, and while I write, it plays in the background. It’s what sets the mood for me.

Funny enough, right when I was searching for a song, one of my favorite youtube cover artists uploaded a new cover. It was this song. What are the chances of that? And it’s perfectly executed. Conor Maynard is an amazing cover artist. He also covers many other Drake songs amazingly, like Marvin’s Room and Good Ones Go.

 

I think I’m quite observant of one’s mannerisms. I wouldn’t say I’m completely oblivious to things. Others might think otherwise, but I guess I’m one to let go of the grander gestures. Instead I’m more likely to notice and appreciate the small ones. It’s the actions one does unknowingly, naturally and without thought. That’s what I’ll read to know how someone really feels about me. Though I’m a words of affirmation person, I think that the smaller actions are more important to me. Sometimes, you really don’t need to say a word to express how you feel. Maybe these actions are like gifts, a gift of a moment. I know that sounds pretty darn corny, or maybe it doesn’t even make sense, but yeah. I’m quite forgetful, but when I have a moment with someone, it’s something that stays with me.

It’s when someone looks up past the camera for that one second when taking a picture. I’ll know.

I’m not one to ask for help. I like to put up the image of being independent and strong on my own. And I can, I can take care of myself. But I think he sees past that, past what the camera sees. It’s easy to trust someone when you feel like they understand you. But everyone does things in life with intentions. It’s whether or not you can trust their intentions enough to show your vulnerability. I know I won’t be at my best this year, so there is going to be risk. All I can really do is take my time.

“When you’re ready, just say you’re ready. When all the baggage just ain’t as heavy… …we’ll change the pace and we’ll just go slow.”

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Round Two

Life as I'd Tell It | No Comments

In a few weeks time, all my bags will be packed and I’ll be off again on another life adventure. The paper work is all done. All those that need to know, now know. I’m set to go. This is the time when you sit and think, “hmm, what’s important to me?” I need to set my priorities for the next few weeks. I’ll spend time with those who have been supporting me the last few months. I think I’ve learned to not try to fixate on a whole crowd of people, and just focus my energy on those that make time for me, and genuinely want to be around me. I think I’ve completely tossed the idea of having a “going away” party now, cause it’s just silly that I’ll be organizing my own again. Well, one on ones will work best for me anyhow right now. So what do I really need? Everything will have to fit into two luggages, a backpack and a shipping box. All my memories will be stored online or on my laptop, and that’s pretty much it.

I guess all I really need is my passport, my phone, my music, some sunnies, and a comfy hoodie and I’m ready to run away.

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I’m Sorry

Thought | 2 Comments

*song Keri Hilson | All The Boys

In all honesty, I have no idea what I am doing. At times I give it a thought and I wonder, is this just an exit I need right now? Sigh… maybe my heart is never sure, maybe I get into these situations on my own fault, but it’s not like it doesn’t mess with me. This one probably has got me big time. Sure I seem okay, sure I don’t seem affected, sure it looks like I’m moving on with ease. Sure my confidence seems strong. But at the mention…

“Why did she say that? She should be sure before she makes decisions like that.” I wonder if some people think I was taking the whole thing very lightly. That maybe I was young and just having my fun, making decisions when I wasn’t ready. And yeah perhaps I wasn’t ready, but it doesn’t mean I wasn’t serious. I was sure. I thought I had found what I’d been looking for and that it was love, happiness and the future I wanted to live. You know what? It hurts. It really does… and I think that thought goes through people’s minds when they see me again. And I almost want to avoid such confrontation. It’s so hard for me to gather myself to have a “catch up” conversation with someone, knowing they probably are wondering “What happened?” or do they think that I’ve changed? Maybe I am different, I don’t know. I feel like I just want to box that up, seal the seams and put it away, but it’s not that easy.

It still makes me emotional now. And seeing emails pop-up in my inbox about flowers, white dresses, and romantic photos… it hurts. I wonder when the feeling comes around again, if I would be afraid for it to take me over. I don’t want to be fooled again. I don’t want to seem like the stupid one again. I don’t want to make that mistake or mislead others…

Maybe I don’t know what love is. How am I going to find it now…

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In Two Months Time

Life as I'd Tell It | No Comments

*song Jason Mraz | I Won’t Give Up

Goals

Lying on the sands, staring at the night sky. And we wondered… “do shooting stars actually exist?” And right then, one passes. Just like every time I tell a story, every time I write an email, every time I have a phone conversation… it’s not something that is short. A lot is meant to happen. A lot will.  My life isn’t meant to be simple. That’s not what I’d want anyways. I still don’t know where I’m headed, but I do know one thing: I won’t give up, I won’t settle. I will keep chasing, I will keep experiencing. Time passes quickly, and I see that now. And with that, there is little time to dwell over decisions. I’m going to pick it up from here and keep going.

So, screw waiting. I’m going. Malaysia, Indonesia, Vietnam… then home: Sydney.

And when I meet “him”, he’ll understand me.

“And when you’re needing your space, to do some navigating. I’ll be here patiently waiting, to see what you find. ‘Cause even the stars they burn. Some even fall to the earth. We’ve got a lot to learn. God knows we’re worth it. No, I won’t give up. I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily. I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make.”