Cinematic Orchestra | To Build a Home
I just skimmed through my 5+ years of blogging. Wow have things changed. What I wrote about and shared was extremely personal! From my blogs I’m sure someone could easily learn more about me than they can from talking to me in person. Why? Because I’m generally quite quiet when I’ve just met someone. And now even more so with my hermit anti-social-ness lately. Those who followed my blog from the beginning (though they don’t always comment lol, I know who you are… or at least some of you!), basically know my life story. And I do appreciate so much that you have kept an interest in getting to know me 
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Why have I changed so much? Truth is, I’m kind of lost right now. I’m in this state where I’m not exactly happy with everything that I am. This is why, I end up looking to others for influence, for inspiration. What do I want others to see me as? That’s what I keep asking myself and it leads me to lose focus of just doing something in the “now”. Therefore my less personal blog posts, therefore the lack of writing in my posts. I just don’t blog as I use to anymore. Yes, I admit, that because I focus so much on the lives of others and how “oh I want to be like that, I want to experience that” that I’ve spent less time reflecting on myself. I’ve possibly been screwing myself over… wasted time. But where is the balance?
I feel that we can take a lot from what other people share with us. Do people share their experiences for their own satisfaction or for their audience’s? When I started blogging years ago, I did so for one reason. I wanted to share a part of me, something personal, with those in my life that I could not sit down with, those that I’ve lost physical connection with, and with that one person that I could not spend my every day with. I wrote my posts with the purpose of just sharing experiences. Maybe it would inspire you to think “oh! that looks fun, I want to try that!”, or “that’s so cool! I’m gonna go buy that” or maybe it would make you go “I want to do that for someone, feel that way for someone.” But I never written anything with the intention of making others expect the same events in their lives. You learn through your own experiences and others. Take what relates to you.
Well, that’s what I’ve been trying to do from what I read from other people’s experiences. But after discussion with the bf, I’m starting to wonder if I’m now taking it too far and in turn forgetting about my own current experiences. I do think that I’ve changed over the years, and it is a result of everything around me. I try to adapt to my environment, and change my colours accordingly: whether it is my appearance, the people I interact with, or my attitudes towards different things. But I do believe that I keep that core person in me, someone that I’ve built up from past experiences. Yes, that is who I am, but with influence can I change that too?
The core of who I take myself to be is a person of certain aspirations, dreams, and possibly expectations. Maybe it sets me up for disappointment… but that’s because I’ll always believe that it’s worth dealing with all this to someday experience amazing satisfaction. I put myself at risk, go out on a limb. But I swear, it will someday be completely worth it.
B: “…I’m a cloud nine, a dreamer, an idealist…”
S: “…If that means believing that things CAN be perfect. Then I am guilty too…”
B: “…There is nothing wrong with that. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise…”
Talking about changes. I died my hair again, even lighter lol and even tried lightening my eyebrows to match the colour. Oh, and I’m a photo narcissist. And that will never change lol 
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