My mind is spinning and my heart doesn’t lead too far behind. I’m wondering what more can I do. Am I doing something wrong, am I missing something. Am I just not the one? I think I’ve gone a far way to become who I am now. I spent most of this year working to be someone amazing so that when I meet that person who I want to be with, I can be everything for them. I wanted to know I could be in a place where I was ready, and I feel like I know myself well now. And what I want is to be closer to him. But it’s not enough right now.
What can you really do when he’s not ready for you? I want to be here for him, I believe I can wait. But in conflict, out of my own selfishness, I just want to be with him. And he tells me, I’m everything… but it’s not right right now. It’s not all on him because I know what this all is. My heart stays protected knowing, at any point this could go no where from here… but I can’t help myself.
Of course. I should have known that my life would never seize to make things more complicated than your average. It knows me just too well, knows that nothing ever should be given to me too easily.
I pride myself in being a patient person in most aspects of my life, but there is a significant part of myself that is just far from any kind of patience. It is spontaneous, passionate, demanding, irrational and pretty much “crazy”. When I tell myself to take my time, my heart is in constant battle with my mind. That’s the truth. And so this all kind of comes to me like a brick wall. Sure it’s not ideal for what my heart wants right now… but I guess it is necessary.
But actually, it’s like a string of events that happens for a reason. Serendipity. If I follow through and truly believe that it’s all worth waiting for, this could be something with really great potential. I see it in him now. Just imagine, if undesired events didn’t happen, we might have never met, and even if we did we still wouldn’t have opportunity to be where we are now… in eachother’s company.
It’s simple as that. Sometimes it’s all you need. When someone does it all without really knowing how much of an impact it has. Or maybe they do but neither need to say much of it. It is what it is.
How can someone miles away can keep you so engaged in conversation? Truth is, they don’t know you and you don’t know them but for some reason… you really want to. Because at the end of the day, you both know well enough that really, you don’t have anything to offer the other. There is no expectation because there is no chance. You don’t know much beyond what it is, because it’s not something you can either explore.
And maybe at times you’ll step back and you wonder, why? Why are you still here? Why am I still here? Where do we see this going? But reality will always take you back and you’ll remember: it doesn’t need to go anywhere.
It goes without saying…
I’m sure I’ll get to a point when we’re both past this. Undesired thoughts will dismiss themselves from me and we’ll be left with an amazing companionship .